The Avengers Request to Remove Clint 'Hawkeye' Barton

From Funny or Die: By Dru Johnston May 17, 2012 

  

From: Steve.America@shield.gov
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: A formal request…

Hi Nick,

Sorry to bother you. I’m writing on behalf of the Avengers here, but we wanted you to formally reconsider the inclusion of Clint ‘Hawkeye’ Barton to the Avenger initiative. Amongst us we include a world class spy, a serum induced WWII super-soldier, an impenetrable beast, a genius with an iron suit and a nuclear reactor for a heart, and a legitimate demigod. We collectively agree that Clint, while pretty great at shooting a bow and arrow, should not be included in our ranks.

We understand this is a difficult position to put you in, but it might even be the best thing for Clint. He’s an excellent worker and will be able to land on his feet wherever he ends up… whether it’s an amateur archery range, or the archery section of an REI, or wherever, I’m just brainstorming here.

Thanks Nick,

Steve “Captain America” Rogers, on behalf of the Avengers

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From: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
To: Steve.America@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Hi guys,

As always I’m happy to keep the discussion open and look forward to hearing your input. That being said the Avengers were created with a specific goal in mind, and your skills have clearly worked well together to combat the forces we’ve faced. He seems to fit his role nicely. So I don’t see any changes in the near future.

Keep at it,

Nick.

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From: Steve.America@shield.gov
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Hi Nick,

We definitely appreciate your time and consideration on this matter… however we really don’t feel like you’re seeing the whole picture here. Don’t get us wrong, we think Clint is a great guy and good friend. He’s definitely excellent at his skill set, we just are confused as to what his role is beyond ‘The guy with the bow and arrow’.

Best,

Steve (and the Avengers)

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From: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
To: Steve.America@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com

Subject: RE: A formal request…

Hi Steve,

I’ve noticed most enemies tend to avoid him. Maybe he’s doing something right.

Best,

Nick

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From: Tony@stark.com
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Steve.America@shield.gov, Bruce@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Nick,

If I’m fighting a bunch of aliens with lasers and there’s one in the corner holding a boomerang I’m not telling people “We gotta get rid of that boomerang dude.” No one wants to bully the remedial kid.

-Stark

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From: Bruce@shield.gov
To: Tony@stark.com, Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Steve.America@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Hi Nick,

We totally get where you’re coming from. He’s definitely doing something right… gumption, dedication. Lord knows how much stuff he passed up in school to keep working on his bow and arrow skills with the rest of the Webelos. He’s a dedicated archer. Absolutely.

Now I don’t want to put words in people’s mouths, and we all appreciate the opportunity you’ve given us here, but we were all a bit hesitant when Clint was originally included in the emails. We all kept a positive attitude, and tried to showcase his exceptional use of antiquated technology, but to be honest I was a little insulted when I saw his name on the list. Like, was there something I was doing wrong? You know?

I think he’s also getting the sense we’re not all that into his ‘power,’ and he’s definitely overcompensating. During battle he spends a sizable chunk of his energy trying to impress us instead of fighting.

Best,

Bruce

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From: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
To: Bruce@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Steve.America@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Overcompensating? How?

Nick

Sent from my Droid, excuse typos

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From: Bruce@shield.gov
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Steve.America@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

He makes bets about how accurate he can get. He’s started calling us his merry men. Once he made everyone stop fighting to prove he could hit the same arrow that was already buried in a dead guy. I’ve also overheard him say things like:

-“So your catchphrase is ‘Hulk Smash’ huh? Yeah I was thinking ‘It’s time to shoot this bow and arrow.’”

-“Oh shoot. I’m out of arrows. Guess I can’t carry this Avenger battle anymore. Take it from here everyone else.”

-“Oh you’re a Norse god? That’s cool. I’m kinda like Katniss from the Hunger Games.”

-“Don’t call me Clint! My name is Hawkeye! Hawks are excellent hunters, I’ve seen one catch a pretty big fish before!”

-“If you could have any super power what would it be? Mine would be using a bow and arrow well.”

When I hulk out I can’t remember where I am, or even if I mauled the love of my life. I have vivid memories of all of these things, which should prove to you how ad naseum the entire situation has become.

Bruce

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From: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
To: Bruce@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Steve.America@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Natasha, thoughts?

Nick

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From: natalia@shield.co.ru
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, Steve.America@shield.gov, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

If I have to hear one more Cupid’s Arrow pun I will snap.

-N

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From: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
To: natalia@shield.co.ru
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, Steve.America@shield.gov, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Alright. We’ll let him have one more week as to not blindside him, but I’ll start writing up his recommendation. Until then I met someone who might be a good replacement. He goes by Daredevil. Full disclosure: He’s blind. But he’s got great hearing. He is also pretty flexible.

Nick

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From: Thor@rocketmail.com
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: natalia@shield.co.ru, Bruce@shield.gov, Tony@stark.com, Steve.America@shield.gov,
Subject: RE: A formal request…

Fuck you, Nick.

-Thor